The Bitch, Bitch, Bitch


Usher Sucks
November 3, 2010, 2:57 am
Filed under: General Bitching

Today’s post is about Usher Raymond, Because here at TheBitchBitchBitch, not only do I write frequently, but about subjects that matter.

Seriously, though? I’m getting really fucking sick of Usher. Yeah, yeah,  I know, he’s released about a billion hit singles and has been an unstoppable pop force since I was using training wheels. Still.

Usher’s hits are generally about the following complex subjects:

  • Cheatin’
  • Da Club

From Usher’s discography it can be assumed that he spends a lot of goddamn time in the club, which, last time I checked, is a terrible place for anyone to “fall in love,” such as is mentioned in “DJ Got us Fallin’ in Love Again” (unless your idea of “love” involves strobe lights and vomit), or, for that matter, “make love,” as “Love in This Club,” suggests.

Because it’s slow and sung soulfully by our dear pop prince, “Love in This Club” often gets touted as a love song – something romantic. Eighth graders slow-dance to this shit. A song about boning in public.

Time not spent in the club is usually spent thinking about, actually performing the act of, or regretting said act of cheating on his current or former girlfriend/wife/shawty, if the list of hits is to be believed.

One chart-topper that defies this categorization is my personal favorite, “OMG”, wherein Usher (with the help of occasionally nonsensical but masterfully-punctuated beardo Will.I.Am) describes his flabbergastedness at the hottness of a lady dancing on the “dancefloor.”

(For the purposes of this blog post, I am giving Usher the benefit of the doubt and assuming that this “dancefloor” was not in Da Club, rather that it was at a bar-mitzvah in the local Hampton Inn, or maybe the accordion hall of the last Oktoberfest he attended.)

“OMG” is particularly heinous, because in this case OMG stands not for “Oh my god,” but “Oh my gosh,” which I wouldn’t have a problem with were it not for the fact that the reluctance to say “god,” generally indicates a pious wish to not take the lord’s name in vain, a puritanical devotion that you’d think might contradict the following verses:

“Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow

Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow”

My highlighting this hypocrisy, by the way, is to say nothing of the poetic brilliance that the above lines (and, hell, the whole song!) express, rivaled only by Plath and Hemmingway in terms of the deep emotional impact and air of mysteriousness they carry. The use of repetition really adds meaning – we’re really getting an idea as to the importance of whomever this “Honey,” is, as well as what she’s “got.” However, the question of how one’s posterior can be, “like pow pow pow,” has been the subject of heated debate among scholars of our time.

ARE YOU SERIOUS THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR MUSIC THESE DAYS

Usher can also be admired for strides he’s made in his personal life, chief among them being to spread awareness of sex addiction, or “sexaholicism,” a tragic illness where an individual loses the ability to control how often they bone ladies.

Screw this, I’m going to bed.

Advertisements

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

I don’t know why I didn’t comment before, but this is goddamn fabulous.

Comment by L




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: